I’m sleepless and guilt ridden for the way I spoke to my mother today. It was supposed to be an amazing day, and I was quick to accept the time off that was offered to me today at work just so I could spend some time with my family, as we all have different schedules and it is so hard to get us all to come together. They finally got to my place and I was so excited to have them over! We decided to go to the mall since we all were hungry and we all wanted something different -_- Once at the mall, my brother and I decided we wanted Panera.. so on our way to Panera, my mother blurts out the most random, most prejudiced thing I’ve heard in a while.. outloud.. in English.. in a mall full of people… I lost it. I don’t know what came over me, but I had it. I started lecturing her on how bad it is that she would say that and I became infuriated and pretty much blew up on her.. She got mad or embarrassed, or both and stormed off as we were getting to the Panera. I felt instantly so horrible, I knew that I had hurt my mother’s feelings, but I wasn’t sorry for it, just sad it happened.
After that we continued on with our day but I know she felt bad and I know I did too.. Shortly after, after we saw the fireworks, she decided to go home along with my brothers.
When she left I still couldn’t help but feel so horrible about the way I had blown up on her but I also wasn’t sorry for what I said and it made me feel confused, sad, angry and all sorts of other emotions, which lead to me going down to Wendy’s and buying the biggest burger I could and devour it and now I am laying in bed nauseous and feeling like shit about life..
On one hand I cannot feel bad about what I said to her. I feel I am entirely justified in the anger I felt at hearing my mother say such a borderline racist thing that I won’t even repeat out of respect for her. It is not right to look down on other cultures, nationalities, or people just because they are different. Not understanding different things doesn’t give us the right to dehumanize these people or notions and treat them like they are worthless or second class. I have never nor will I ever tolerate that behavior from anyone and hearing my mother say such things really hurts because she was person that raised me and she always taught us to embrace people, and difference, and individuality.. and to hear her sounding so close minded and against everything I stand for hurts.. But this should be no surprise to me since she’s always been this way.. But as of lately it seems she’s gotten more vocal about it and it is wrong. In every way, shape, and form, it is wrong and I cannot accept that. My biggest fear is that one day she’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong people and we won’t be there to help her. The thought that something might happen to my mother is enough for an emotional breakdown. I couldn’t bear it.
On the other hand, however, I felt like shit because I made her feel like shit. I know she was startled by my reaction and looking back on it, I was too, since I always find ways to settle issues by talking, I reacted very violently this time.. I know she was shocked and hurt by me talking to her the way I did, and in some way she feels she did nothing wrong by speaking her mind and like she said, she CAN do and say whatever she wants, but freedom of speech doesn’t always mean freedom from consequence.. and it’s the consequence part that scares the shit out of me. This closed minded way of thinking isn’t just hers, and I know that. It is a mindset formed by media, uninformed people, and the general thinking that just because something or someone is different, it must be bad and shunned. I can’t completely blame her because prejudice is all around us everyday of our lives, and there will always be more and more people who adopt this way of thinking.. But she should know better than most that being different is hard. She knows all of the things we went through, our house being vandalized, getting weird looks from people, and even her husband being asked to leave an establishment once just because of where we come from.. So knowing how hard it is to be different, to look different, and to even speak different, how can she be so ok with stereotyping and using slurs? How can she do to other people what has been done to us?
I can’t change everyone’s way of thinking, and I understand that. But I really do believe that everyone should learn to love one another and that is how I try to live my life everyday. Tolerance is the way through life. I love my mother to death and she is my role model, my hero, my everything.. but there’s some things I cannot agree with and I cannot be quiet about them.
I feel like shit right now, but only for the way I made her feel.. Not the point I tried to make.